Explaining Death to Children
Death could be a challenging subject to talk about, especially with children not because they may not fully understand the concept of death, but because accepting why a certain loved one is permanently gone can be more difficult for them. Some parents or guardians might even be afraid to talk about death with or around children as they want to protect young minds from this inevitable reality. However, one should know that kids go through grief just like grownups. It’s even harder for them to cope with the loss when they don’t understand it the way adults do. This is why it’s important that we explain to them what death is in a proper and caring way. How to Explain Death to Children To help you through this journey, Forest Lake, one of the trusted memorial parks in the Philippines, compiled guidelines from experts on how to talk to children about death. Gauge the age Before talking to a child about death, you should be aware about their level of understanding. For instance, infants and toddlers cannot grasp death at all but they can feel what’s happening through your responses and the things that are going on around them. Preschoolers, on the other hand, can be more curious about death. Most of the time, they see it as a temporary state and that the dead loved one will come back soon. The best way to talk to a preschooler about death, especially when they ask, is by giving them answers that are grounded to reality. One example is informing them that their deceased loved one will not be coming back as the body cannot function anymore. Children of school age are able to understand the finality of death and it can haunt them more than the younger ones. They tend to be more wary of illnesses, accidents, and other causes of death, and might be more possessive and protective of you for a period of time. Pre-adolescents fully understand the death but can have a hard time expressing how they feel about it. According to child grief experts, the child’s age is the most important thing to consider before explaining death. Considering their age will also help you be more careful about the details you will open up. Talk in an honest but calm way We shouldn’t underestimate children. Most of them are smart enough to understand what you are saying. When finally having the talk about death, be clear. Don’t sugarcoat what happened but be mindful of how you relay the information to them. Being too blunt might You can start by telling them what happened to their loved one. Were they sick? If so, let them know that it is normal for people to get sick and sometimes the body could not take it anymore. Explain to them what they might see in the coming days – that they may witness family and friends crying and that they will be seeing their loved one inside a casket. Let them know that it is natural to feel sad and that they are allowed to express it. Tell them that the sadness they are feeling is natural and they are allowed to express it. Share that you are experiencing the same feelings and that you are always by their side. Find the right timing Discussing a sensitive topic such as death needs to happen at the right time. Like you, children could be in a state of distress. They could be confused with this sudden or unexpected event. The best time to talk with a child is when you yourself have clear thoughts and when you are prepared to answer their questions. During your exchange of feelings, have a certain amount of restraint. Instead of telling them everything in one sitting, give them brief but concise information and give them time to process it Let them grieve Children grieve in varying ways and as their guardian, be prepared to take on different kinds of responses. Some may grieve in silence while others may be asking for constant attention. No matter how they express sadness, it is necessary to give them the time and understanding that their need while they are grieving. Make them feel that you are there every step of the way. Aside from checking on them regularly and making sure their basic needs are met, connect with them emotionally. Cry and laugh with them and take time to listen on what they had to say. Remember the deceased in a thoughtful way You could make the healing process easier for the children by honoring the deceased through making scrapbooks, planting trees, releasing balloons, or just by having a light-hearted chat. Laughter is still and always the best medicine and it works well with children. Helping them laugh or smile in a particularly dire situation will aid in their recovery. Reading books or watching films that touch the topic of death in an appropriate manner is also one way to help children fathom what death really is and what one can do to immortalize the deceased. Finally, let them have a role in funerals or memorial services such as speaking a small eulogy, handing out flowers, or welcoming visitors. If it happens that a child doesn’t want to attend or even be involved in ceremonies, don’t oblige them. Instead, let them know that they can go to the funeral or the memorial grave whenever they are ready. In difficult times like death of a loved one, bereaved children need to feel heard, protected, and loved. Understand that talking to them about the current situation will help them recover and grow. Forest Lake talked to grief coach Cathy Babao to ask about how to approach children and explain death during their time of grief. Here are the highlights of the interview: Forest Lake: How does one approach a grieving child, assuming that the child already knows about the death of their loved one? How different would it be when approaching an adult? Cathy: This would really depend
Building Communication with Loved Ones during Bereavement
We can never prepare enough for the passing of our loved one. Because each family member grieves differently, communication is crucial during this challenging time. Being sensitive to how you are communicating with each other will help with planning the funeral service and may even strengthen and deepen family ties. Ways to Build Communication with Loved Ones during Bereavement Speak with Empathy Be open to the different emotions that your family members may be feeling. Be sensitive to the fact that some relatives may find it very painful even to just hear your dearly departed’s name. Be sensitive and choose your words when speaking of your deceased loved one. Define each family member’s role If you are part of the immediate family and no one has stepped up to the plate, then take the initiative to spearhead planning the wake and funeral service. Call for a family meeting as soon as possible and go through the steps of planning the service. You may want to read our previous blog post about “Planning a Funeral Service”. Once you have agreed on what needs to be done, assign each family member their specific role or roles as needed. Ensure that everyone has agreed, is aligned and on the same page with respective roles by clearly defining each one to the corresponding family members. Use non-verbal communication to offer comfort Where words can fall short, non-verbal communication may be more effective than speaking. Our touch, our embrace, and the way we look at each other can provide soothing comfort. Sometimes the simple warmth of your presence is enough to communicate love and care. Gestures such as cooking special meals for the bereaved or taking certain responsibilities for the funeral service are also samples of non-verbal ways of communicating that you care. Non-verbal communication can also soften intense feelings surrounding the grieving family and may make way for verbal connections. Surround yourself with love May Cardenas, Forest Lake Binan’s Funeral Director offers some advice. She says that in the event of death, be it sudden or something you have been preparing for, surrounding yourself with closest family members and friends will be helpful, particularly with decision making. May says, “These are people who know your loved one well enough so they can help you pick out the casket design or color, what clothes to be worn, what photo to have enlarged. They should also know you well enough to advise you if your budget is going astray.” May adds, “In my experience, there is always one family member or friend who takes on the responsibility of decision making when the immediate family is not up to the task. It is a huge responsibility since they stand to take the blame for everything if they decide on something the rest of the family doesn’t agree with. Surprisingly, every family seems to have that kind of relative or friend, and more often than not, they do help make things easier.” Healing through communication Grief is a journey that varies from one person to another. Communicating how you feel with your loved ones is one way of coping with the loss. This is because your family acts as a support group so that each one of you need not face this journey alone. Counseling with a professional grief coach is another option you can explore. As one of the leading memorial parks in the Philippines, Forest Lake aims to be “A Better Place” by offering the Good Grief Workshop Program with grief coach Cathy Babao as a support system for their clients coping with loss. If you are a Forest Lake client and would like to inquire about the Good Grief Workshops, please contact Meara at 09777234034.